do you remember jesus? yeah, me too

hooooooooooooooooly balls
it's easter
you know
the day when we celebrate that one time
when they stapled jesus to a piece of wood
and after three days he was like
APRIL'S FOOLS BITCHES
I'M ALIVE
yeah, well
april's fools on you assholes
we're not talking about that today

so you have this dude
orpheus
and he's like a super cool music dude
and he has like an extremely good voice
and could probably make you cry and have a boner at the same time by like two plings at the strings
and he likes this hot chick
euridice
and they love each other like insane

but one day euridice gets bitten by a snake and dies
and orpheus is so depressed
and cries like a little bitch
and eventually comes down to hades(realm and guy)
and he's like
wah wah wah
i'm so depressed
please let my girlfriend be alive again
and hades(guy) is like
okay
but no matter what
DON'T
TURN
AROUND
and orpehus is like
oh
ok
and grabs euridice and gets going
but she's constantly like
when are we gonna get there
orpheus
orpheus honey
when are we gonna get there
huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
and just as he steps out of the underworld
he turns around and is like
NOW BITCH
now we're here
but the fact is
euridice is still in the underworld
so she has to stay down there
FOREVER

and after that orpheus is like super depressed
and stops dating women
and he's just chilling around
being sad and shit
but at least he has fun times with dudes so
with or without girlfriend
at least he's having a ball(s)
(or multiple ball(s)s)

so
message of the story

if you lose a loved one
and fail at a pretty easy task that could get them back
don't cry
don't overthink it
become gay

"it's my dad's party and i'll burn if i want to"

okay
it's tree am and i have nothing to lose

so you know that guy
shiva
i mean i didn't really tell you about the guy
i mean he only appeared as the guy who owns a cool realm
and kali's dancefloor
but okay

so one day this queen
prasuti
is like
aw man i want a daughter
so she's like
hey brahma can ya help in here
i want a daughter
and brahma is like
ok ya go meditate in the woods with your husband and this goddess chick
adi parashakti will help you
and so prasuti and her husband daksha go into the woods and meditate
and after some time adi parashakti is like
hey folks
heard ya need something from me
fuck ya want?
and prasuti is like
well
i want a daughter
sooooooooooooooooooooooo
could you like
reincarnate into my baby
so i can have a daughter
and the goddess is like
cool okay
but if you are dicks to me
I'LL FUCK YOU UP
and prasuti is like
ya cool okay
but adi parashakti is like
FUCK YOU UP
GET IT
and prasuti is like
okay

so after some time the queen has a daughter
her name is sati and she's like super hot
and everything is super duper
except for the fact that brahma had to say adi parashakti that he'll also include marrying an incarnation of shiva so she'd agree to being reincarnated as a baby
BUT
sati's dad is fucking hates this guy who is reincarnated as shiva
BUT
sati has a huge ladyboner for shiva
so when the two get married
dude daksha is like
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
and disowns sati
but she's not really thinking about that
and she's off boning shiva

but this one time her dad makes this big party
and sends everyone in existence these invitations
that are like 
COME TO THE PARTY
from: king daksha
to: every1 except my shitty not-daughter-anymore sati & her asshole husband
and shiva is like
FUCK THIS GUY
and rips the invitation in like a billion pieces
but sati is like
aw but i wanna go to the party
even though i am totally not invited and my dad hates me
and shiva is like
no
we're not going
fuck that guy
and sati is like
no
fuck YOU
so she goes to her dad's party
and is like
hey dad
i'm here
and daksha is like
fuck you
and sati turns into adi parashakti and is like
no
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU
and starts fucking burning from rage
and curses everyone to be killed by shiva
because i don't know guilt by associating with her dad?
and curses the party to suck like a motherfucker
but let's face it
somebody's daughter busting in, turning into the ULTIMATE FEMININE FORCE OF THE UNIVERSE and cursing everyone to be killed by her weird husband
isn't exactly something that makes a party be cool
but ok
but she's so pissed about this
SHE BURNS HER MORTAL SHELL OFF AND SOMEHOW DIES

so when shiva busts in everyone is like oh shit
so he's so sad
he starts dancing
THE ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION OF THE UNIVERSE DANCE
and pulls out like two locks of his hair
which turn into
virbhadra and bjadrakali
and those two summon the ultimate hindu goddess murdersquad
you know
kali,  katyayini, chamunda, ishaani, mundamardini, bhadra, vaishnavi and twarita
and they all start a fucking murderfest
fucking butchering around
stabbing dudes
playing head volleyball
highfiving with severed hands
that type of shit

but in the morning shiva pussies up like a little bitch
and resurrects everyone
even daksha
who gets resurrected with the head of a goat for some reason
okay and after that shiva is like going round the universe
carrying around sita's remains
and crying like a pussy
but then vishnu rolls up and puts sita back
but cuts her into 52 pieces and throws them around earth
and idk something about shiva having to meditate
HARD
so he'd resurrect sita who is now called shakti peeths
and after he meditates long enough she gets reincarnated as  parvati
and i dunno
they live happily ever after
because parvati's dad isn't a dick

so
message of the story
if you aren't invited to a party
your best bet is not to go
because let's face it
no one likes seeing someone burn themselves to death
and then getting murdered by the scorched person's husband

crossdressing is the way

so
anyway i wans't here in a while
so lemme tell you a myth
a norse myth to be precise

so
one day thor wakes up
from a dream that was probably about killing a lot of giants with his hammer
but when he tries to kiss mjolnir for good morning
he realizes
it's gone
so he runs to loki
and is like
okay give me back my hammer you asshole
but the problem is
loki DIDN'T steal the hammer
so both of them go to freya
who has this like
super cool falcon coat
that can make you shapeshift into a
well
falcon
and loki takes the cloak
(and okay i have a problem with that one
2. loki is already a shapeshifting prick
why does he need
a shapeshifting cloak?
i mean he's already proved what he can do with that ability
does he need to shapeshift² ?
fucken what?)
 so 
loki flies away to like jotunheim
to this dude thyrm 
or was it thrym?
fuckall
but this guy thyrm is putting like 
silver collars on his dogs 
and loki rolls up like 
hey 
thyrm
have ya seen any thunder-making hammers with poorly manufactured handles
and thyrm is like 
fuck yeah man 
i just stole one from thor 
and loki is like 
well 
won't you like 
give it back or something?  
and thrym is like 
fuck no 
and loki is like 
well
can we exchange it for something?
and thyrm is like 
okay  
if you give me freya 
i'll give you the hammer 
and so loki flies back 
and is like 
okay freya
thanks for the cloak 
now can you marry this guy for thor's hammer 
k thanks 
and freya get's so PISSED
the POWER OF HER PURE RAGE 
is strong enough to make fucking asgard shake
so loki and thor call all the gods and are like 
okay folks 
freya doesn't want to be whored out this time 
we need some other ideas 
and heimdal is like 
well 
thor could go as freya  lol
and loki is like 
that's the perfect idea 

so they dress thor up
and put freya's necklace  
you know 
the 
"i fucked four dwarves to wear this" necklace 
and they put on like a veil on thor 
just so he can somewhat pass as freya 
because like a ten feet tall god mountain
with at least a two-foot long fiery beard
totally passes for like 
a love goddess 
just as long as you don't see his face 
and also loki goes as thor's handmaiden or something 
but let's face it 
loki being a chick ain't exactly something new 
also 
did ya know 
that in some parts of pseudo-scandinavia 
it was popular to say 
"my dad banged this strange chick but like chased her away when he found out she was loki"
as an excuse for not having a mom
yeah 
so wearing tits for shits is probably the guy's favorite freetime activity 

anyways they arrive at thyrm's place 
and the party is going on 
and they have a fucking ball 
but as soon as thor sees the table 
he full on devours like half of all the food 
and drinks like seven barrels of mead 
so thyrm's is like 
freya seems a bit weird 
why is she eating that much?
and loki is like 
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 
oh that 
no freya was so excited to get married to you 
she hasn't eaten in like a week
and thyrm is like 
oh that's seems logical
and goes in for a kiss 
and when he  pulls off her veil
he sees thor's eyes BURNING 
and he's like 
okay that's a bit strange
and loki is like 
whaaat 
no 
not at all
freya was so excited she hasn't slept for a fucking week
and thyrm is like 
well that is a completely reasonable explanation 
how didn't i think of that
(i don't ting i've said it but in norse mythology giants aren't really that smart)
 so they all get seated after the ceremony 
and thyrm's sister irrelevantrude is like 
hey freya give me a necklace 
and thor is like 
fuck off 

CAN I GET THE HAMMER ALREADY 

 so thyrm puts the hammer on thor's lap 
because that's a tradition apparently 
putting heavy objects on the bride's lap 
so she can't run away when you're gettin married 
(smart people those scandinavians
i tell ya)
 and as soon as they give him the hammer 
thor starts slaughtering EVERYONE IN THE ROOM*

so the message of the story is 
if you want to get something 
REAL BAD
and whoring out one of your teammates doesn't work out  
whore yourself out 
and you'll get:

1. the thing you want 
2. free food and booze 
3. people you can murder with no one giving a fuck

*okay i'm assuming everyone except loki 
(and probably some dude who's kid is gonna have a nice excuse for why he doesn't have a mom)

this myth is not funny and just plain boring but this is my blog so fuck you

since you can never get enough of creation myths
here's another one
you assholes

so
you have like an egg
a big cosmic egg that's just there
and the egg somehow breaks so you have a sea
and there is nothing besides the sea
except like heaven
in which you have sky daddy
who is like a gothass graybearded bitch
with like all black clothe
sky mom
who wears white clothes
with stars on them
which is genuinely fucked
because
how can you see the stars
the stars are basically useless
and they have a son/Sun
who keeps asking
when is the world gonna be created
huh
huh
huh
when am i gonna get humans
huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
HEY, DAD
whenamigonnagetthehumansandtheworld, dad?

and the sun keeps asking that
FORFUCKINGEVER
and skydad is like
okay
you know what
NOW
YOU GET YOUR HUMAN WORLD NOW, SON

and his kid is like 
ok dad but how
and skydad is just like
ok
so you have the eternal sea
well
in the sea there are like these seeds 
(which is apparently why in hungarian
magyar means hungarian
because
mag=seed in hungarian
which fucks me horizontally
and vertically
because my parents never told me i am a seed person)
and son from the seeds you make the humans
ok

so the son looks at the sea
and turns into a golden duck
so he like
dives down into the deepest depth of the sea
but can't find anything down there
so he goes right back to the surface
and yells
FUCK YOU DAD
and dives back again
but this time
the air from his nostrils
you know
duckstrils
(spellcheck says duckstrils are a word
which is nice to know)
and like
the air bubbles go to the surface
and this time duck-sun-son hits the seeds
with his beak and so the seed swims to the surface of the water
and when the bubbles and the seeds mix
humans are created

and the message of the story is
if you want to know interesting and funny stories
go for hungarian folktales
not myths
because most of the only ones that survived ones are boring as balls

the bible is a story full of good lessons and one of them is to never piss off a woman who wants to top

since i said no pantheon gets left out
let's start with the abrahamic pantheon
now fellas we're talking about big-G and his buddies
and children
and j.c& co.
and the other folks
and in general the bible does have a few interesting stories
like when cain and abel invented sibling rivalry
or lot being an idiot (and his daughters roofieing him)
and jesus flipping tables and whipping people
but i do prefer bible fanfics

so, after god makes earth and animals and stuff
he's like
okay
how about humans?
yeah that seems cool
 so g-man make
the two folks out of dirt
lilith and adam
and everything is fine and dandy

god is... somewhere
and everywhere
that's just how he rolls
and lilith and adam are having a good time

but they eventually get bored
and decide to do something fun
with their genitals
(i think you know where this goes)
so they start arguing about who is gonna top
lilith is like
i wanna top
but adam is like
but i'm a dude i wanna top
and lilith is having none of that shit
and i don't know flies away
with some magic spell satan taught her at some point of her existence
and in a version of the myth
 it's said that satan is the one who was like
hey it would be cool if you two boned yknow
but most of that is unclear to me

but to the part of the myth i understand

so lilith runs away
*flies away
 and adam goes crying to god like
dad dad lilith is gone and i wanna bone something
dad dad fix this
and god is like
okay, fine
and puts adam to sleep
and makes eve out his rib yadda yadda

but anyways
god is like
okay lilith
you were a dick to adam
now
you will only be able to fuck animals
and have weird monster babies
see how that works out for ya

and so lilith is like
okay
well that seems fucked up
might as well kill myself

and after that you have some shit with her meeting samael who is like an angel of death after she throws herself off of a cliff and they get married and he turns out to be satan and satan and lilith are best buddies or a couple or something and lilith is like a child-eating monster yadda yadda

moral of the story?
let a woman be top
and don't tell her to swallow your babies
because she might start doing that for realizies

STEEL DICK STEEL DICK STEEL DICK

okay folks
i've been out for some time
and i recently remembered that i read this myth
about a chick having
a full-on second jaw in her downstairs department
so i went to look it up on google
and holy shit 
do you know how many chicks have teeth in their vaginas all over the world?
a whole fuckin lot
and if you wanna look it up
the term is "vagina dentata"
but i propose a much better title
dick muncher 1000 b.c

so this myth starts with a demon
and the demon is like
wow let's do some demon-y things
hey, chick-
you get a second set of teeth
IN YOU VAGINA
and the chick is like
lol ok
 and she's okay
but on her wedding night
just as she starts getting it on with her husband
she realizes her vagina
bit off the guy's dick
and let's face it-
that is not exactly a good way to start your marriage
so you know
that doesn't work out

so she marries another guy
which she thinks will be okay with
and who won't mind
getting castrated by a
T  O  O  T  H  Y    V  A  G  I  N  A
so one their wedding night
her vagina goes
OH MAN DICK TIME
NOM NOM NOM
and her unfortunate husband
is left without a dick
and for the second time
it does not work out

so the chick is pissed
because she can't get it on
with ANYONE because
if it's a dude
off with his fucking dick, man
if it's a chick?
well a pussy might actually get someone's tongue this time

so she goes to this smith guy
even though i don't know why is she going to a smith for
vagina problems
but okay
and the smith makes this
steel
dick
yeah you've heard it
a DILDO OF STEEL
and so the chick shoves it up there
and breaks the demon teeth

and i guess
message of the story is
everything's swell that ends
with someone inserting a dildo in themselves

hermes is a little shit

there's been a while since i showed up and vomited up some bullshit in here so
1. the blog is now thegodshack.blogspot.rs and not thebestmythblog.blogspot.rs
because i've come to the realization that
i
suck
major
ass
in this
myth retelling shit
since i haven't told you
the origin story of the greek god hermes

now the myth begins with zeus lookin for a fuckin
seekin some dickin
ransackin for mackin
and he spots this hot chick maia in arcadia
and he's like
wow i want me a piece of that
and nine months later you have maia giving birth to hermes in this cave
what cave?
a cave in the mountain cillenon
in arcadia
so the first thing the guy does
right after maia puts him to sleep
is sneak out and kill a turtle
now imagine being that turtle
waking up in the morning
thinking
well
life might be shitty
and i might be slow as dicks
and completely useless
but at least i'm not dead by the hands of an infant
AND BEING WRONG ABOUT IT

so hermes kills the turtle
makes the lyre out of it
and starts playing it
so after a while he's bored
so he decides to get out of the cave
and walks around
and then he sees apollo's cows
and he's like
wow it sure looks like it's time for someone to be a dick
and steal these cows
wait no one is here
but me
so you know what happens next
he steals the cows and hides them in the cave
and  goes back to his cave to sleep
because inventing instruments and stealing your halfbrother's cows makes you wanna take a nap

and eventually apollo comes back and is like
what the bitchfucking shit has happened
and goes crying to zeus like
dad dad help me my cows are goneand i'm sad
and zeus is like
fuck
fine
and does some omnipresent motherfucker shit
and is like
okay hermes did it
go after that guy
and apollo goes to the cave and is like
okay you dick i want my cows a back
and hermes wakes up and is like
what?
i'm just a baby
and apollo is like
a cow stealing baby
and hermes just starts playing the lyre
 after that apollo is like
i let you live if i can get the lyre
 and hermes is like
oh
okay

and thus ends the myth

message of the story?
if you are ever accused of theft
just start playing an instrument
and you'll get out scot-free

how to get popular? try genocide

so
when i made this blog i promised myself this
no pantheon will be spared
so
the time has come for me to fuck around with the egyptian pantheon

so,
you have this guy
ra
he's this super cool sun god
but he's sad
because no one is worshiping him
and everyone is worshiping the asshole snake god
apep
and ra is super depressed
and is like
but i'm super cool and i am a sun god
why does no one like me

so he goes to sekhmet
who is a warrior goddess
and starts crying to her like
sekhmet no one likes me
could you please go down to earth and kill some humans
and make them see how great i am
pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee
and sekhmet is like
i heard the word kill
i'm in
i'm in like a motherfucker
so she goes down to earth
and starts killing a bunch
stabbing people
chopping things up
and all the humans are already crying to ra
about how awesome he is
so sekhmet is satisfied
because ra is now happy and she killed a bunch
and there's a lot of blood everywhere
and she thinks
might as well drink something now
because murder makes you thirsty
so she starts drinking all the blood
and goes batshit fucking insane
pulling a kali
and starts murdering  more people
drinking their blood
and then murdering more
drinking their blood
and then murdering EVEN MORE
so all the sudden ra is like
oh shit i've done fucked up
and mixes an epic cocktail from ocher and beer
and pours it in the blood
and after sekhmet drinks this
she falls asleep
and the world is safe again

so
time for the message of the story
if you want to be popular
ask someone to murder a bunch
and then if they get extremely shitfaced
and are too drunk to do anything but murder
try getting them more drunk
and hope they fall asleep afterwards

odin knows how to get a good deal

okay
norse mythology has nine realms
and two of those have gods living in them
those realms are called
asgard and vanaheim
and the gods basically have no real differences
except for the fact the vanir are like farming gods
while the aesir are in to fight everyone
and that's my basic understanding of it

so the vanir have this chick
freya
who is like the goddess of love, beauty, death, war
etc
but she's also some kind of a witch
and has this type of magic has something to do with looking at the future and destiny and shit 
and she goes from town to town
asking people
HEY WITCH HERE WHO WANTS SOME MOTHERFUCKING MAGIC
sprinkle that destiny glitter eyyy
and she goes to asgard and is like
eyyy ladies who wants to learn some magic 
come here learn some magic
but odin is the type of guy who would do anything for some magic and is like
woah there witch lady mind to teach me some of that destiny magic
and freya is like
that's a woman's type of magic but sure old man

so freya moves in with the aesir for a while
and after she moved in the aesir started getting bitchier
and were like
wow cool lady magic we want more
and they become greedy
and then they realize how greedy they are
and are like
okay freya you're the one who made us into assholes
well, bigger assholes than we already are
so now burn
and they set her on fire
but she's still alive
so they set her on fire again
she's still alive
they set her on fire again
third time's the charm right?
THINK AGAIN, FUCKER

and freya goes back to vanaheim
and after that the aesir and the vanir are in war
and they keep fighting for like forfuckingever
and one day they're so sick of each other every day
and sick of fighting
so they agree to give each other some of their people to each other
and call it a day
so the vanir give freya, her brother frey and their dad njord
and the aesir give them this guy hoenir and mimir

and they're okay in general
the aesir are cool with having two fertility gods and their sea god dad in there
and the vanir are happy with getting hoenir who is like
super smart and can give super good advice
and can solve any riddle or problem
like the vanir come up to him and are like
WHAT'S WETTER THE MORE IT DRIES
and hoenir is like
hmmmmmmm
either a towel or your mom's vag eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
and all of the vanir are like
yeaaaaaaaaaaaa hoenir you're the man
but they don't realize
it's actually mimir whispering the answers into hoenir's ear
and when the vanir find out that mimir is actually the smart one
they straight up DECAPITATE the guy
and march to asgard and are like
what the fuck you dick
and odin is like
okay
how about we not fight
and we spit into a bowl
so we could understand each other's problems
ayyyyyyyyyy?
and the vanir are like sure fella
so they spit into a bowl
and make this guy
kvasir
who is like the most wise fucker of them all

and after the spitting competition
they all go home
and odin takes mimir's head
and puts some cream on it and is like
okay mimir tell me some advice eyyy
and mimir tells him advice in the future
but that's a story for another time

and that concludes the story of how the aesir and the vanir are buddies
and the message is
if your scheme to cheat on a deal
which is made to end a war you started by burning
one of the other team's main hoes
is revealed
offer a spitting cometition

killer queen? dancing queen? why not both

this is a fun myth
it's a myth about murder, blood and a dance party
aw man that sounds a bit hardcore 
but let's face it
this is a blog about retelling mythology
you came here for blood, tits and violence
without the theory and boring parts

so we're gonna talk about kali
and lemme tell ya
if you thought you had seen
all the blood, violence and tiddies
you haven't seen kali yet

so she's this lady with
four arms
eyes of a pothead
and an unquenchable passion for
MURDER
or mothering
and is like the personification of DESTRUCTION
and is supposed to KILL TIME ITSELF

but that's enough of describing the main character

let's get to the myth

you have this demon                                                                          
rakatabija
and he's an asura
but he's a good little boy and lives a holy life
and one day he comes up to brahma and is like
hey dude can i get a boon or something
i've been a good lil demon all my life cmon
and brahma is like
okay whaddya want
and rakatabija is like
well it would be kinda cool
if from every drop of my blood that is spilled
a new me pops up
and brahma is like
well i don't see how this could POSSIBLY go wrong
so sure dude okay 
and rakatabija is like 
woah thanks man 
and promptly starts terrorizing the world 
everyone is like okay brahma you need to stop doing this shit okay 
but they call durga and are like 
brahma fucked up a boon again pls help

so durga straight up goes to fight rakatabija 
but whenever she cuts him 
there's more of him
so durga tries playing his game 
and duplicates herself 
but she can't compete with rakatabija 
because no matter how many of her there is 
there is always more of rakatabija 
so durga gets SO PISSED
she pops her ULTIMATE RAGE out of her forehead 
and the rage turns into kali 
and durga is like 
okay kali if you could murder these guys that would be great okay 
and kali is like
HELLO THERE DEMONS 
TIME FOR YOU TO FUCKING CEASE 
and she starts killing all the little rakatabijas 
and just drinks up all the blood
like it's a pie-eating contest
except it's demon blood

a demon blood drinking contest

and after drinking all this blood
she chops off the limbs of the demons' bodies
and makes a NECKLACE out of their HEADS
and a SKIRT out of their ARMS
and now she's like 
well
the demon is dead 
and i have some new accessories
you know what's this calls for?
A MOTHERFUCKING DANCE PARTY
 
so kali starts bustin out moves 
and THESE MOVES
ARE SO RAD
SHE STARTS DESTROYING THE WORLD WITH HER DANCING 
so the gods are like 
fuck
not this fuckery
so they send out shiva 
and he's like 
kali
stop 
for FUCK'S SAKE
but kali is too busy cha cha sliding into the end of the world
so she doesn't notice
and two times more shiva calls her but kali doesn't respond
so he slides under her feet faster than a creepy dude slides into a semihot blonde chick's dms
and kali's like
well this doesn't quite feel like a demon corpse
oh shit husband sorry for mushing your face with my foot whoops
and then she stops destroying the world so yay i guess

and the message of the story is
is
um
i honestly
HONESTLY don't know how to round this one
maybe try this
if you are gonna kill a demon
maybe try thinking more about where are you gonna store his blood
instead of drinking it all
if you know you're a fucking lightweight for it

okay

that sounded bad
let's round this one with a non-sequitur

do you know what's the difference between
dead babies and kali's earrings?
there isn't a difference

it's like build-a-bear but instead of a bear it's goddess

so

today you get a several myths

because it's my day off
and i don't have to do anything
so i'm gonna do some myths
let the fucking myth-paloosa begin

anyway let's get this one over with

you have this demon

rambha

who is like the super evil asura king

(and asuras are like the ultimate evil demon things in hinduism)

and he sees this hot lady buffalo

and is like

aw man that's a hot lady buffalo

i wanna hit that

so after eleven months you have a buffalo demon

mahisha

and after rambha dies

mahisha is like the asura king or something 

and because he's an asura

he hates the devas

(which are like super awesome gods and stuff)

(sorry if the whole talk about asuras being naturally evil comes of as racist 

it's not me it's the devi bhagavata

and i am just retelling the story

so if anyone is to blame 

it's dead racists)

(or speciists, however you classify such judgemental 

and extremely prejudiced people)

and he leads a holy life and prays and is a good boy

so after some time

he walks up to brahma and is like

hey man can i get a boon i've been a good little demon my whole life

and brahma is like

okay son

whaddya want

and mahisha is like

imortality

and brahma is like

well dude i can't do that

and mahisha is like

okay

how about

no man, animal or god can harm me

and only a lady or goddess can actually try 

and fuck off 

cause women can't do shit lollllllllllllllllllllllllll

how does that sound to ya?

and brahma is like

well i don't see anything wrong with that one

and mahisha is like

aw yiss sweet tits yea

see ya later old man

right after that mahisha starts terrorizing everything everywhere

raping the crops, pillaging the women

and everything that comes with the job

and after he conquered  all of the earth

with his demon buddies

he's like

okay fellas

we have the earth

like ALL of earth

so why not get heaven?

and his evil demon buddies are like 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEAH 

so they all head to heaven 

and mahisha is like 

sup dicks ready to pack up those bags and fucking LEAVE 

you pussies

and indra

(head deva in the godhouse) 

 is like 

what the cocking shit you prick

and mahisha is like 

pack your stuff so i can kick your ass from the heavens

and at this point indra has lost his temper

calls wartime 

gets his godbuddies 

and fight a fucking war against the asuras and beats the shit out of them

but the thing is 

no one can fucking beat mahisha

because no god 

man

or animal

can do anything to mahisha 

so the gods pack their shit and head to brahma 

and when they arrive they're like 

what the fuck is this shit 

and brahma is like 

well

i might've granted this guy wish 

to not be harmed by any man, animal or god 

and i can't really take it back 

so we're 

we're kinda screwed

and the gods are like 

well what the fuck are we supposed to do now?

and brahma is like 

well 

i mean we could go to vishnu for some advice on this shit 

so they all head to vaikunta

(which is like vishnu's home)

and they knock on his door at three am 

and are like 

we need your help man 

and vishnu is like 

FUCK fine

so all the gods have a meeting and they're like 

ok so we're fucked 

if a superlady dosn't show up 

and kill mahisha

and all the sudden this guy sankara rolls up and is like 

i have a solution

and starts shining so bright everyone is like 

ouch fuck what the dicking hell

but they also start shining and adding to the glow 

and all the sudden this hot chick gets out of the glow 

and her name is mahalakshmi

she has like eighteen arms  

and has all these aspects of the gods who made her from their light 

like shiva's face 

and agni's eyes 

and vayu's ears 

and brahma's teeth

and the mouth from surya and kartikeya

and vishnu's arms and shoulders

and indra's hips 

and shit

and i honestly have but one question

how the fuck does that make 

any sense?

i mean mythology in general doesn't make sense 

but i've tried to recreate this in photoshop

but i

it looks so wrong 

it looks so bad

and i thing i might need to pluck out my eyes

dip them in holy water for two eternities 

just to cleanse myself from the things i've seen

holy shit 

but back to the story 

so you have devi-frankenstein's monster 

is getting armed with all this cool shit like 

arrows, swords, flowers and cool clothes

and after she gets a full-on makeover from a beam of light to a 

SUPER DUPER MOTHERFUCKING ULTIMATE MOM-WARRIOR COMBO GODDESS  

she heads to mahisha 

and stands in front of the pearly gates of heaven

and is like 

FIGHT ME YOU PUSSY

YOU WANTED TO FIGHT SOMETHING WITH A PUSSYYYY

COME AND GET SOME DOWN HERE MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

and mahisha is like 

yea sure lady

so she walks straight into the hall and 

everyone of mahisha's demonbuddies is like 

damn mahisha doesn't she seem a bit too much to fight  

and mahisha is like 

whaaaaaaaaaat you pussies that's only a chick pfffffffffffffft

and mahalakshmi/durga is like 

only a chick 

bitchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and straight up annihilates each of the lesser demons 

and then mahisha is super pissed 

and turns into a buffalo 

and tries to fight durga 

but she's like ten times as baddass as she is so she wins 

and that's basically it 

the gods go back into the heavens 

and peace is restored 

so the message of the story is 

1. never underestimate the power of the pussy 
2. make better deals 
3. and if you have a wish that gives you basically anything and you know you are going to be stopped from doing whatever you're doing at least TRY to NOT have an obvious loophole in it 

that's it folks