it's like build-a-bear but instead of a bear it's goddess

so

today you get a several myths

because it's my day off
and i don't have to do anything
so i'm gonna do some myths
let the fucking myth-paloosa begin

anyway let's get this one over with

you have this demon

rambha

who is like the super evil asura king

(and asuras are like the ultimate evil demon things in hinduism)

and he sees this hot lady buffalo

and is like

aw man that's a hot lady buffalo

i wanna hit that

so after eleven months you have a buffalo demon

mahisha

and after rambha dies

mahisha is like the asura king or something 

and because he's an asura

he hates the devas

(which are like super awesome gods and stuff)

(sorry if the whole talk about asuras being naturally evil comes of as racist 

it's not me it's the devi bhagavata

and i am just retelling the story

so if anyone is to blame 

it's dead racists)

(or speciists, however you classify such judgemental 

and extremely prejudiced people)

and he leads a holy life and prays and is a good boy

so after some time

he walks up to brahma and is like

hey man can i get a boon i've been a good little demon my whole life

and brahma is like

okay son

whaddya want

and mahisha is like

imortality

and brahma is like

well dude i can't do that

and mahisha is like

okay

how about

no man, animal or god can harm me

and only a lady or goddess can actually try 

and fuck off 

cause women can't do shit lollllllllllllllllllllllllll

how does that sound to ya?

and brahma is like

well i don't see anything wrong with that one

and mahisha is like

aw yiss sweet tits yea

see ya later old man

right after that mahisha starts terrorizing everything everywhere

raping the crops, pillaging the women

and everything that comes with the job

and after he conquered  all of the earth

with his demon buddies

he's like

okay fellas

we have the earth

like ALL of earth

so why not get heaven?

and his evil demon buddies are like 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEAH 

so they all head to heaven 

and mahisha is like 

sup dicks ready to pack up those bags and fucking LEAVE 

you pussies

and indra

(head deva in the godhouse) 

 is like 

what the cocking shit you prick

and mahisha is like 

pack your stuff so i can kick your ass from the heavens

and at this point indra has lost his temper

calls wartime 

gets his godbuddies 

and fight a fucking war against the asuras and beats the shit out of them

but the thing is 

no one can fucking beat mahisha

because no god 

man

or animal

can do anything to mahisha 

so the gods pack their shit and head to brahma 

and when they arrive they're like 

what the fuck is this shit 

and brahma is like 

well

i might've granted this guy wish 

to not be harmed by any man, animal or god 

and i can't really take it back 

so we're 

we're kinda screwed

and the gods are like 

well what the fuck are we supposed to do now?

and brahma is like 

well 

i mean we could go to vishnu for some advice on this shit 

so they all head to vaikunta

(which is like vishnu's home)

and they knock on his door at three am 

and are like 

we need your help man 

and vishnu is like 

FUCK fine

so all the gods have a meeting and they're like 

ok so we're fucked 

if a superlady dosn't show up 

and kill mahisha

and all the sudden this guy sankara rolls up and is like 

i have a solution

and starts shining so bright everyone is like 

ouch fuck what the dicking hell

but they also start shining and adding to the glow 

and all the sudden this hot chick gets out of the glow 

and her name is mahalakshmi

she has like eighteen arms  

and has all these aspects of the gods who made her from their light 

like shiva's face 

and agni's eyes 

and vayu's ears 

and brahma's teeth

and the mouth from surya and kartikeya

and vishnu's arms and shoulders

and indra's hips 

and shit

and i honestly have but one question

how the fuck does that make 

any sense?

i mean mythology in general doesn't make sense 

but i've tried to recreate this in photoshop

but i

it looks so wrong 

it looks so bad

and i thing i might need to pluck out my eyes

dip them in holy water for two eternities 

just to cleanse myself from the things i've seen

holy shit 

but back to the story 

so you have devi-frankenstein's monster 

is getting armed with all this cool shit like 

arrows, swords, flowers and cool clothes

and after she gets a full-on makeover from a beam of light to a 

SUPER DUPER MOTHERFUCKING ULTIMATE MOM-WARRIOR COMBO GODDESS  

she heads to mahisha 

and stands in front of the pearly gates of heaven

and is like 

FIGHT ME YOU PUSSY

YOU WANTED TO FIGHT SOMETHING WITH A PUSSYYYY

COME AND GET SOME DOWN HERE MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

and mahisha is like 

yea sure lady

so she walks straight into the hall and 

everyone of mahisha's demonbuddies is like 

damn mahisha doesn't she seem a bit too much to fight  

and mahisha is like 

whaaaaaaaaaat you pussies that's only a chick pfffffffffffffft

and mahalakshmi/durga is like 

only a chick 

bitchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and straight up annihilates each of the lesser demons 

and then mahisha is super pissed 

and turns into a buffalo 

and tries to fight durga 

but she's like ten times as baddass as she is so she wins 

and that's basically it 

the gods go back into the heavens 

and peace is restored 

so the message of the story is 

1. never underestimate the power of the pussy 
2. make better deals 
3. and if you have a wish that gives you basically anything and you know you are going to be stopped from doing whatever you're doing at least TRY to NOT have an obvious loophole in it 

that's it folks