castration is overrated, try murder

so
i've told you the greek creation myth
and it has the classical mythological elements
daddy issues, incest, murder
well
norse mythology takes the levels of fucked
from 10
to a 110
and adds genocide and armpit children to it

let's get to the story alright

so anyway
you have this gap
gingap?
genuinegap?
the 1938 movie with the weird kali worshippers?
ginnungagap?
ya i think it's that last one

so in genuinegap
you have two realms
muspelheim
which is a fire realm
and has this dude surt
who is just sitting there
waiting to fuck up the world
in ragnarok
which is the ultimate norse apocalypse
and that's surt's only purpose
fucking up the world in ragnarok
and near muspelheim
you have nifleheim
which is just
a fuckton of ice: the realm
so those two realms are right next to each other
and the fiery fires of muspelheim are melting a good chunk of nifleheim
and that makes the first giant
ymir
who i will likely refer to as a dude
even though he's like a hermaphrodite
aka has the same sex as a fucking snail
which pretty much explains why he's such a lazy fuck
lazy fuck? that's pretty harsh
you say
but i ask you how do you call someone who is just created
and the first thing he does is
lay down and start sippin milk from a primordial cows tit
anything BUT a lazy fuck
by the way the cow is
audumbla
where did this cow come from?
maybe another ice/fire product
i don't fucking know 
and this cow has like four milk rivers
and ymir drinks them all when he's not sleeping
and nothing really happens

okay
since ymir is a hermaphrodite
he doesn't really fuck to have children
and besides
what would he bang to start with?
so
the way he has children is
he sweats and smaller giants fall out
so that's nice

but over the time audumbla licks enough ice for this guy to be licked out of ice
so you have this guy
buri
and he has a son
bor
(i mean the aesir aren't exactly the most creative folk on earth but what the fuck is the naming on this one)
and bor marries this hot chick
bestla
who is the daughter of some giant bolthron
and bor and bestla have three kids
odin and his mostly irrelevant brothers
(vili and ve)
and one day odin is like
well i wanna kill my grandad
and honestly i don't know why would he would do that
some say ymir became evil
which must be the character heel-dick turn of the century
because
how the fuck do you from a lazy milk-drinking-sleeping fuck
to a straight up evil motherfucker?
honestly?
like with many parts of this myth
i have no fucking idea
but odin was pissed at him for some reasons
and him and his brothers come to ymir one night
or it could be day
because the fella was sleeping all the time
and just kill the living shit out of him
so all the blood that spills from ymir's corpse flows and flows
almost drowning out all the giants
except like this dude and his wife

so you know
the creation of world?
off to a good start
won't cause a whole race be mad at the aesir
FOREVER
no
not at all

so odin is like
fuck
what do i do now that i killed grandpa
well what are ya gonna do odin?
certainly not desecrate your gradfather's corpse and make a realm out of it
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?
well joke's on you motherfuckers
because that's exactly what he's gonna do
so odin drags ymir's lifeless husk over genuinegap
and makes ymir's blood into the sea, rivers and lakes
ymir's  bones into mountains
and his teeth and the remaining bones into small rocks and pebbles
and then when it seems like everything is made
odin sees a bunch of maggots crawling in ymir's rotting corpse
and is like
hey maggots
wanna make something out of your sad maggoty lives
like you know
four of you can hold ymir's skull
which is gonna be the sky
it'll be awesome i promise
so he turns the maggots into dwarves
and they don't really do shit in the rest of this myth so whatever
and as the big finish
odin chucks his grandfathers brains into clouds
so those sweet cumulus?
motherhecking brains

but odin soon realizes that
oh shit the giants are pissed
and they're gonna come for his grandpa-murdering, genocidal ass
so he plucks out ymir's eyebrows real quick
and makes a  barricade around the world with them

so, message of the story
just don't have kids
because even if you don't do much
you'll end up dead or fucked over
or dead and get your corpse desecrated and made into a realm

all you knew about the afterlife is bullshit and a lie told to cover up a road to some solid bubbles and bjs

you know
i promised myself i’d do a bunch of myths from different pantheons
and we did the mainstream ones- greek, norse, (i owe you egyptian) and also slavic + some folktales
so you know who’s up now
the hindu pantheon
you bet your fucking ass we’re doing this

so we have this dude
brahma
and he’s like the ultimate creator of everything that exists
and he makes these two plains
plain of life and plain of death
and says to these dudes
vishnu and shiva
to do whatever they want to their respective plains

and the plain of life is pretty cool
it has like
humans, animals and plants and shit
i mean it’s not really much
it’s the normal living world what did ya expect
jacuzzis and blowjobs?
no, child
that’s in the death plain
there you have all the cool shit
but back to the life plain
so you have humans and animals
and when the birds and the bees and humans are multiplying
you get happiness
(ha-penis)
(cmon i had to this is the boring part)
and the fuckers were incredibly depressed after the original happiness
and they didn’t like that
so humans all run up to vishnu like
aw man we have joy
but we’re also depressed as shit
pls help
and vishnu is like
ok ok
have love
yeah that’ll do
so there’s love
which makes no one care about their depression
but you can’t live out of love so
people start eating
but there are so many people
and not enough food in the nature
and this guy is like
well i mean we could like make our own food
and everyone else is like
holy shit fuckballs
so they start doing shit like
working in their gardens or some shit
and everything is okay
until
everyone is tired as balls
and they all drag their asses to vishnu
and start moaning about being tired
and vishnu makes sleep
so that’s nice
but people get bored easily
and everyone got sick of doing the same shit all over again
every single day
so they come to vishnu again
and ask for something more permanent than sleep
and vishnu is like
well you know there’s this other realm
death plain, yknow
and there you have my buddy shiva
he might help you
so a good part of humans get to the death realm
and realize that compared to the life plain
death plain is like
the shit
everyone is like holy fuckballs
and people start going in in hordes
like you know how fast you are running from your responsibilities by reading this?
twice the speed of that
and when almost everyone is in the death realm
vishnu realizes
he’ll look like an idiot
an absolute buffoon
a complete pussyass bitch
if he doesn’t do something about this
because no one wants to own a shitty realm
with no one in it
so he does the only thing he can do in this situation
goes crying to brahma and starts bitching and moaning
about how everyone is in shiva’s realm
except like this hot dude and chick
but they’re gonna leave too
so that sucks ass
and brahma is like
well what the fuck do you want me to do
and vishnu is like
make shiva’s realm suck more so the humans go back to my realm
and then brahma is like
well
i can’t do THAT
but here’s one thing i can do
put a veil between the living and the dead
so no one realizes how cool the death plain is
and i’ll put two guards
FEAR and PAIN
so no one comes in without fear and pain
and vishnu is like
that’ll do, too

and that’s the story of how life and death became a thing

so the message of the story is
don’t let fear and pain stop you from dying
because the death realm is so much cooler
and pain and fear from death is just an invention to stop you from leaving
and enjoying jacuzzis and infinite blowjobs
or something

veles is a dick but it works out in the end so fuck everybody else i guess

wait what?
two myths in the same day?

you bet our fucking ass

today we have a good ole
thunder god vs asshole snake god
type of story
(and not it's not a norse one, nor an egyptian one)

so, the story begins in the slavic pantheon's heaven
golden god hall
and perun
the strong, powerful, hammeraxe-wielding thunder-god
(who also has golden thunder-apples as a weapon)
(i think we lost the purpose of the golden apples long ago so eh)
is marrying dodola
the chick who milks divine cows in heavens
and makes rain

so you know
that rain
up in the clouds?
divine cow milk
provided to you but the slavic pantheon(tm)

so the wedding is going great
everyone is drunk, singing, talking about beating up dudes
and veles is sitting there
being absolutely
PISSED
about either not being the one to bang dodola
or because of the fact that his trickster senses are tingling
about the fact that he could piss people off right now
in this situation
and all the sudden
veles turns into a huge-ass snake
and steals dodola
so the gods are like
what the fuck
meanwhile the snake
(who i mentioned is veles
who is not just the slavic trickster god
but the god of most things
cattle, riches, snakes, music, magic, tits, booze
basically the god of being an asshole and having a good time while you're at it)
so
veles is like
hey dodola
wanna like
make out
and dodola is like
what the fuck you shitprick
and veles is like
cmon i didn't kidnap you for nothing
and dodola is like
listen up here you shitdicking snakefuck
get me
the fuck
back
to my motherfucking
wedding
and veles is like ok
but would ya smell this flower
you know
before you leave
and dodola is like
well
strange snake man
i see that nothing bad could POSSIBLY happen
so ok
and she smells the flower and passes the fuck out
and gives birth to a son
so veles is like
okay
that's weird
but hears perun yelling
about how he'll rip veles' balls off
and chop him up with an axe

so veles grabs the baby and runs the fuck away

and there's an elaborate story of how perun chases veles
and how veles hides in tree-trunks,
under stones
in your mom's vag
etc etc

but that's boring

so perun finally grabs veles by the throat and is like
I'LL CHOP YOUR DICK OFF
and veles is like
how will i bang your wife then?
and perun is like
DID YOU HEAR ME YOU ASSHOLE
and veles is like
yeah i did but did you hear me and your wife
DOIN IT
and perun is just ready to fuck him up like a motherfucker
and in some versions of the myth he actually kills veles
but in some he just hauls veles into heavens
and veles gets a trial
and is cast down into nab
or nav
which is just like
hell, hades, hel or whatever

but the thing is navb is
super duper cool
with jacuzzis and infinite blowjobs or something
and so
veles is the winner in this case
cause he keeps the baby
yarilo
and later gets himself a super hot spring goddess vesna to be his wife
by turning into a lilly
and idk vesna is super turned on by this and decides to marry the guy

so, the point of these 1,2 myths is
if your date says no
flower-roofie her and steal her baby
you'll get

1. a cool realm
2. a cool son
3. a hot wife 

and you'll become arch-nemesis with a thunder god
so you know 3/4
seems good to me

TEN WAYS TO GET ANY GIRL TO LIKE YOU (#9 includes breaking a zulum and decapitation)

so
fellas
before some time i picked up my fourth grade literature book
just cuz
and lemme tell ya
a little story about marko kraljević
kraljević marko

the man
the myth
the ABSOLUTE LEGEND
of serbian epic poems
holy fucking shit

well marko sounds like a pussyass bitch
you say

yeah
i agree
the historical marko was a
pussy
ass
bitch
but the guy in the poems
holy shit
what the fuck

the man rides a horse
šarac
and šarac is this cool horse who
was given to him by this fairy
and can do cool shit like
fly, beat up dudes and has like laser eyes
and shoots beams with them
and has like flaming nostrils 

he's a really cool horse

but let's get to the story

so one day marko is prancing around in the area of good ole kosovo
and he see this hot chick
who never gets a name
except kosovian girl
so anyways
marko is like
hey there lady
why are you so hot and sad
you seem a bit too old to not be
married
which i assume is old serbian slang for
wanna get it on with me
and the chick starts crying about how this dude came nine years ago
and put on a zulum for marriage
so she couldn't get married for fucking years 
and she has to fuck the guy tonight

beacuse of the zulum
which in this case basically means that you gotta pay to the guy who owns the country to get married
but the dicker thing is
that his zulum also includes
having a new chick to sleep with him every now and then
and then giving the chick for his buddies to get their way with
which just shows that the guys dick game is weak as fuck
since he has to buy a whole land
and then be like
okay so
every hot chick has to sleep with me
which just gives another layer to the
oh man, the turkish are weak as fuck
general thing of serbian epic poems 

then marko is like
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT SHIT
WHERE'S THE GUY
I'M GONNA BEAT HIM UP
AND THEN, HOT SAD KOSOVIAN CHICK,
THE TWO OF US ARE GONNA GET IT ON
WAIT SCRATCH THAT
THEN YOU CAN MARRY SOMEONE
YEAH

so marko is on his way to the tent of the dude
we'll call him dick-aga
and so šarac has his flaming nostrils
his hooves are on fire
and the poem explicitly states about how marko is crying on his way to dick-aga's tent
which i assume is because of all the pussy he'll get afterwards

but the problem to getting to the tent is that it's like
super guarded
because the aga is loaded
and has like forty dudes guarding it
and the tent has like a fucking
YARD OF DECAPITATED HEADS
of semifamous heroes who tried the same thing as marko

so marko's try at breaking the zulum is likely gonna be a major failure, right?

because have heroes like marko tried breaking the zulum?
yes
have they died while trying to do the same thing as marko?
yes
but ARE they marko?
no
and that's the only thing that matters


when marko arrives he's greeted by the aga's forty servants
but they are too scared to do anything so they're just standing
and most of them already pissed their pants
 and marko stands in front of dick-aga's doors
and yells
COME THE FUCK OUT YOU DICKTWITCH
 and the aga is like
sipping wine
that's served to him by this hot-as-balls chick
who's probably partially naked
and has rockin boobs
(this has fuckall to do with the poem but i needed some boobs to get your attention)
and the aga says
hey there
ya came here to buy a marriage?

YOU MOTHERFUCKIN BET I AM 

well for chicks it's thirty
for dudes forty
and you seem like a hero
so why not
A HUNDRED? huh? cmon weird hero man
and then marko is like
sure, asshole
and throws out three dukat at the aga
(dukats are like super old money)
and the aga is like
what the fuck is this bullshit
i'll bash your head in, you smug dick
and then slams marko in the head with the mace like four times
and marko is just chilling there like
do you need some help with that little fella?
cmon i know you can hit me harder
can you?
and the aga is fucking fuming at this point
YOU BET YOUR FUCKIN ASS I AM
and keeps hitting marko with the mace
until marko is like
fella ya need someone to show you how it's done?
and PULLS OUT HIS OWN MACE
AND STRAIGHT UP DECAPITATES THE GUY
and is like
now you know little fella

and then he goes around
decapitates thirty-six of the aga's servants
puts their heards in the yard
and leaves four servants alive
just cause

and after like ten days of doin it with the chick
he rides off into the sunset

and so
what i learned from the story
the only two ways to get pussy are
  1. buying land and making a law which says that every hot chick in the country has to bang you
  2. murder

and that's all i'm getting from here

odin's guide to getting shit without paying for it

so, folks
i'm gonna tell you a story
more of a tutorial
about how to get cool shit without having to do anything
(yourself, at least)

so, you have this guy, odin
you know the super cool norse god of
death, war, wisdom-all the good shit
and poetry for some reason

and as you might know
he knows how to make a good deal
and this is the story of how he got a  guy to make a wall for him

so, asgard is built
ymir's cerebrum is floating in the air
but the gods have a problem
they don't have a wall around the cool castle
but they don't really think of doing anything about that
until
this dude randomly approaches odin and is like
hey odin,
my sweet dude
do you need a wall?
and odin is like
yeah, dude, totally
and the giant is like
well i can build you one sweetass wall in less than a year

so odin's like
that's bullshit, dude
and the dude is like
wanna bet?
and odin is like
yeah you bet your sweet ass i wanna bet
and the giant is like
okay
okay
i'll build you a wall in less than a year
but you gotta give me the sun, the moon and freya
and odin is like
well, i don't see the problem with whoring out freya so
this is on like a motherfucker

so the next day the dude comes with this cool horse
svadlifari
and this cool horse doesn't only lift rocks for the dude
but starts building the whole fucking wall

the gods are like lol whatever
UNTIL
it's like two days before the deadline and they realize they're screwed to all hel
so you know what gods do when they're in need for someone to solve their problems

they grab loki
threaten him with torture and death
and then send him off to solve the problem

and in general loki's solutions are vaguely normal
(i mean as much normal as tying his balls to a goat or crossdressing on various occasions can be)
but this time

what the actual fuck

so

loki

decides to turn into a mare

and go seduce svadlifari

which actually works pretty well

so the dude can't finish the wall properly

loses the bet 

and fucks off angrily 

and after twelve months loki chimes in with a baby spiderhorse

which becomes odins ride

sleipnir

so

message of the story

why whore out freya for a wall

when you can whore out loki and get both a wall 

AND a sweet ride

every single version of cinderella but this one can get the hell out

anyway, i watched a several episodes of this cartoon
and i can tell you something
THE NON-HUNGARIAN VERSIONS OF CINDERELLA CAN
SUCK
ME
OFF
because im gonna tell you

THE BIGGEST

THE BADDEST

VERSION OF THE TALE
SO GRAB YOUR CUNTING BAGS MOTHERFUCKER
AND LETS GET THIS DONE

okay so you have this old widowed man,
he has a pretty daughter,
and the guy naturally marries a broad
with two equally broad daughters

and everything is nice
but the father dies
and cinderella is well fucked at this point

so one sunday

while she and her daughters are going to church
the old hag pours a bowl of ashes and a bowl of green peas and mixes them on the floor
and says cinderella to pick apart the ashes and the peas and cook them before her and her bitch daughters come home
or they'll beat her dead or something

WHATEVER

so they go to the church, and cinderella stays at home,
picking the peas, crying or something
when all the sudden comes forth god(of all people) with his angels
(and honestly why do you need a fairy god mother when you have the g-man on your side) 
and says something like
"HEY, child, yo mom sent me here have some NUTS"
 and so he gives her three walnuts
and in each walnut there's a dress-a golden dress, a silver dress and a diamond dress
and god says
"CHILD; my angels will pick up the peas, go get some with the prince,
but when the priest raises the cup, get the fuck outta there"
and then cinderella puts on the silver dress and runs to the church
and sits row near the prince and idk probably eyefucks him through the whole deal,
 but when the priest raises the cup she runs the fuck away home

and so the stepmother and the sisters come back home
and are like
FUCK THIS BEAUTIFUL BITCH FROM THE CHURCH
oh i saw her
says cinderella
WHERE
from the tree
so the rest of the family cuts down the tree bc
fuck cinderella i guess

and the same thing happens next week,
but this time it's lentils
and then god comes with the angles
yadda yadda
she wears the golden dress
eyefucking,
the cup,
oh shit come home

but when the step-mother/daughters come home,
the step-sisters bitch about how they saw this gorgeous lady prancing around the church and shit
and then cinderella is like
ya i saw her too
the stepsisters are like
BITCH WHERE
from the well
so they tear it down

anyway, same thing happens next sunday
but the stepmother gives cinderella flour and ash
and cinderella wears the diamond dress
yadda yadda
church
eyefucking
but this time cinderella forgets one of her slippers
anyway
her stepfamily comes home
bitching about the pretty lady in church
i saw them
BITCH FROM WHERE
the house roof
they tear it down

prince comes though the whole kingdom
looking for a woman of specific feet size
so the old hag hides cinderella under a tub

so when the prince comes the two sisters are fat fucks with canckles probably
so the cant wear the shoes for shit

but all the sudden the rooster goes batshit crazy
and screams about where cinderella is
so the prince finds cinderella
they live happily ever after
and the stepfamily is fucked

so, the message is
who needs fairy godmothers when you have god on your side

yeah

there's a good reason why childless couples are happier

anyways, folks since i have nothing better to do, let’s retell some myths

ya

so, this one is a greek

and since it’s a greek myth there’s gonna be a whole lot of murder, incest and daddy issues

but let’s get to the bottom of that, and start where everything began

so, chaos, fuckin neat- nothing exists

but wait

who the fuck’s there

(besides nyx who is just floating around doing nothing)

oh it’s gaia

so gaia,

she’s giving birth to some things

like uranus (haha, ur-anus)

who also marries her and has super duper monster kids with her

yay, incest

so everything is fucking neat, 
uranus has incestuous monster kids, he hates them, everything is hunky dory

fuck ya

but then gaia gets sick of birthing weird-lookin incest babies 
and the relationship with uranus has lost its original flame, i guess

so she’s done with him

and is like

hey, kids, wanna murder daddy/brother? i’ll pay twenty each if ya do it

and the youngest of the kids, cronos, is like

mom, we hate dad/brother too, there’s no need for the bribe, but i’ll take the money tho

so, cronos sneaks up to his dad while uranus is sleeping, and then cronos is like

GOTCHA BITCH

and slices his balls off, and i guess since all of uranus’ power was in his balls he dies or some shit so cronos is like

i can be the dick of the family now

and he marries his sister rhea, as ya do

and as every marriage goes, they decide to have kids one day

but cronos is like

WAIT

i can’t let my children go against me like i got against dad,

WHATEVER SHOULD I DO NOW

i mean i COULD stop being less of a douche

but nah

imma eat them right up so they dont get the chance of going against me

that sound right

and proceeded with this plan, as every responsible man

rhea was like

honey, you might not want to eat so much children in such a short period, i’ve heard they’re bad for digestion

and cronos, likely mumbled her to shut up between two bites of one of their newborns, probably

but one day rhea got sick of it,

maybe because cronos was getting hooked on babies and was constantly like

come here woman i wanna eat some babies dammit

or she was really sick of how loud he was chewing their children

so she decided to trick her husband

by replacing the child on the plate with a stone wrapped in a diaper

cronos was like

well.

that’s a weird-tasting baby

but didn’t say anything, because he was aware that his wife is not as enthusiastic about his children-eating habits

since rhea was too busy trying to stop her husband from eating more children

she had to hide the baby somewhere

so she gives it to some nymphs

on some island or something

(by the way the baby is zeus)
(this guy)

anyway, so zeus is growing up in a cave,

doing fine, slightly bored

and then he realizes

you know

my dad is a douchebag

and he did eat my brothers and sisters, after all

so you know

i could save them

lol

so one night he sneaks up on cronos and slices his stomach

and pulls his brothers and sisters out

and he’s like

okay, i had this idea

let’s kill dad

and the rest of them are like

yeah, sounds reasonable

so they all join together

and some other monsters join too

and they have a big war and shit

but zeus’ side wins so that’s good

so he says to the siblings that are most relevant

okay fellas,

we are gonna draw toothpicks,

who gets the longest gets the longest one

gets the heavens and earth and the other two can blow me

and so zeus naturally gets olympus and earth

poseidon gets sea and shit

and hades gets whatever the first two left

which is the underworld

which is now also called hades

so everyone wins
(except, like uranus, cronos and the titans but they don't matter anymore so whatever)

and the moral of the story is:

your children are gonna be the ones caring after you when you get old

so don't be a dick to them

cause eating the bastards doesn't help

yeah, that's it