hermes is a little shit

there's been a while since i showed up and vomited up some bullshit in here so
1. the blog is now thegodshack.blogspot.rs and not thebestmythblog.blogspot.rs
because i've come to the realization that
i
suck
major
ass
in this
myth retelling shit
since i haven't told you
the origin story of the greek god hermes

now the myth begins with zeus lookin for a fuckin
seekin some dickin
ransackin for mackin
and he spots this hot chick maia in arcadia
and he's like
wow i want me a piece of that
and nine months later you have maia giving birth to hermes in this cave
what cave?
a cave in the mountain cillenon
in arcadia
so the first thing the guy does
right after maia puts him to sleep
is sneak out and kill a turtle
now imagine being that turtle
waking up in the morning
thinking
well
life might be shitty
and i might be slow as dicks
and completely useless
but at least i'm not dead by the hands of an infant
AND BEING WRONG ABOUT IT

so hermes kills the turtle
makes the lyre out of it
and starts playing it
so after a while he's bored
so he decides to get out of the cave
and walks around
and then he sees apollo's cows
and he's like
wow it sure looks like it's time for someone to be a dick
and steal these cows
wait no one is here
but me
so you know what happens next
he steals the cows and hides them in the cave
and  goes back to his cave to sleep
because inventing instruments and stealing your halfbrother's cows makes you wanna take a nap

and eventually apollo comes back and is like
what the bitchfucking shit has happened
and goes crying to zeus like
dad dad help me my cows are goneand i'm sad
and zeus is like
fuck
fine
and does some omnipresent motherfucker shit
and is like
okay hermes did it
go after that guy
and apollo goes to the cave and is like
okay you dick i want my cows a back
and hermes wakes up and is like
what?
i'm just a baby
and apollo is like
a cow stealing baby
and hermes just starts playing the lyre
 after that apollo is like
i let you live if i can get the lyre
 and hermes is like
oh
okay

and thus ends the myth

message of the story?
if you are ever accused of theft
just start playing an instrument
and you'll get out scot-free