crossdressing is the way

so
anyway i wans't here in a while
so lemme tell you a myth
a norse myth to be precise

so
one day thor wakes up
from a dream that was probably about killing a lot of giants with his hammer
but when he tries to kiss mjolnir for good morning
he realizes
it's gone
so he runs to loki
and is like
okay give me back my hammer you asshole
but the problem is
loki DIDN'T steal the hammer
so both of them go to freya
who has this like
super cool falcon coat
that can make you shapeshift into a
well
falcon
and loki takes the cloak
(and okay i have a problem with that one
2. loki is already a shapeshifting prick
why does he need
a shapeshifting cloak?
i mean he's already proved what he can do with that ability
does he need to shapeshift² ?
fucken what?)
 so 
loki flies away to like jotunheim
to this dude thyrm 
or was it thrym?
fuckall
but this guy thyrm is putting like 
silver collars on his dogs 
and loki rolls up like 
hey 
thyrm
have ya seen any thunder-making hammers with poorly manufactured handles
and thyrm is like 
fuck yeah man 
i just stole one from thor 
and loki is like 
well 
won't you like 
give it back or something?  
and thrym is like 
fuck no 
and loki is like 
well
can we exchange it for something?
and thyrm is like 
okay  
if you give me freya 
i'll give you the hammer 
and so loki flies back 
and is like 
okay freya
thanks for the cloak 
now can you marry this guy for thor's hammer 
k thanks 
and freya get's so PISSED
the POWER OF HER PURE RAGE 
is strong enough to make fucking asgard shake
so loki and thor call all the gods and are like 
okay folks 
freya doesn't want to be whored out this time 
we need some other ideas 
and heimdal is like 
well 
thor could go as freya  lol
and loki is like 
that's the perfect idea 

so they dress thor up
and put freya's necklace  
you know 
the 
"i fucked four dwarves to wear this" necklace 
and they put on like a veil on thor 
just so he can somewhat pass as freya 
because like a ten feet tall god mountain
with at least a two-foot long fiery beard
totally passes for like 
a love goddess 
just as long as you don't see his face 
and also loki goes as thor's handmaiden or something 
but let's face it 
loki being a chick ain't exactly something new 
also 
did ya know 
that in some parts of pseudo-scandinavia 
it was popular to say 
"my dad banged this strange chick but like chased her away when he found out she was loki"
as an excuse for not having a mom
yeah 
so wearing tits for shits is probably the guy's favorite freetime activity 

anyways they arrive at thyrm's place 
and the party is going on 
and they have a fucking ball 
but as soon as thor sees the table 
he full on devours like half of all the food 
and drinks like seven barrels of mead 
so thyrm's is like 
freya seems a bit weird 
why is she eating that much?
and loki is like 
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat 
oh that 
no freya was so excited to get married to you 
she hasn't eaten in like a week
and thyrm is like 
oh that's seems logical
and goes in for a kiss 
and when he  pulls off her veil
he sees thor's eyes BURNING 
and he's like 
okay that's a bit strange
and loki is like 
whaaat 
no 
not at all
freya was so excited she hasn't slept for a fucking week
and thyrm is like 
well that is a completely reasonable explanation 
how didn't i think of that
(i don't ting i've said it but in norse mythology giants aren't really that smart)
 so they all get seated after the ceremony 
and thyrm's sister irrelevantrude is like 
hey freya give me a necklace 
and thor is like 
fuck off 

CAN I GET THE HAMMER ALREADY 

 so thyrm puts the hammer on thor's lap 
because that's a tradition apparently 
putting heavy objects on the bride's lap 
so she can't run away when you're gettin married 
(smart people those scandinavians
i tell ya)
 and as soon as they give him the hammer 
thor starts slaughtering EVERYONE IN THE ROOM*

so the message of the story is 
if you want to get something 
REAL BAD
and whoring out one of your teammates doesn't work out  
whore yourself out 
and you'll get:

1. the thing you want 
2. free food and booze 
3. people you can murder with no one giving a fuck

*okay i'm assuming everyone except loki 
(and probably some dude who's kid is gonna have a nice excuse for why he doesn't have a mom)