killer queen? dancing queen? why not both

this is a fun myth
it's a myth about murder, blood and a dance party
aw man that sounds a bit hardcore 
but let's face it
this is a blog about retelling mythology
you came here for blood, tits and violence
without the theory and boring parts

so we're gonna talk about kali
and lemme tell ya
if you thought you had seen
all the blood, violence and tiddies
you haven't seen kali yet

so she's this lady with
four arms
eyes of a pothead
and an unquenchable passion for
MURDER
or mothering
and is like the personification of DESTRUCTION
and is supposed to KILL TIME ITSELF

but that's enough of describing the main character

let's get to the myth

you have this demon                                                                          
rakatabija
and he's an asura
but he's a good little boy and lives a holy life
and one day he comes up to brahma and is like
hey dude can i get a boon or something
i've been a good lil demon all my life cmon
and brahma is like
okay whaddya want
and rakatabija is like
well it would be kinda cool
if from every drop of my blood that is spilled
a new me pops up
and brahma is like
well i don't see how this could POSSIBLY go wrong
so sure dude okay 
and rakatabija is like 
woah thanks man 
and promptly starts terrorizing the world 
everyone is like okay brahma you need to stop doing this shit okay 
but they call durga and are like 
brahma fucked up a boon again pls help

so durga straight up goes to fight rakatabija 
but whenever she cuts him 
there's more of him
so durga tries playing his game 
and duplicates herself 
but she can't compete with rakatabija 
because no matter how many of her there is 
there is always more of rakatabija 
so durga gets SO PISSED
she pops her ULTIMATE RAGE out of her forehead 
and the rage turns into kali 
and durga is like 
okay kali if you could murder these guys that would be great okay 
and kali is like
HELLO THERE DEMONS 
TIME FOR YOU TO FUCKING CEASE 
and she starts killing all the little rakatabijas 
and just drinks up all the blood
like it's a pie-eating contest
except it's demon blood

a demon blood drinking contest

and after drinking all this blood
she chops off the limbs of the demons' bodies
and makes a NECKLACE out of their HEADS
and a SKIRT out of their ARMS
and now she's like 
well
the demon is dead 
and i have some new accessories
you know what's this calls for?
A MOTHERFUCKING DANCE PARTY
 
so kali starts bustin out moves 
and THESE MOVES
ARE SO RAD
SHE STARTS DESTROYING THE WORLD WITH HER DANCING 
so the gods are like 
fuck
not this fuckery
so they send out shiva 
and he's like 
kali
stop 
for FUCK'S SAKE
but kali is too busy cha cha sliding into the end of the world
so she doesn't notice
and two times more shiva calls her but kali doesn't respond
so he slides under her feet faster than a creepy dude slides into a semihot blonde chick's dms
and kali's like
well this doesn't quite feel like a demon corpse
oh shit husband sorry for mushing your face with my foot whoops
and then she stops destroying the world so yay i guess

and the message of the story is
is
um
i honestly
HONESTLY don't know how to round this one
maybe try this
if you are gonna kill a demon
maybe try thinking more about where are you gonna store his blood
instead of drinking it all
if you know you're a fucking lightweight for it

okay

that sounded bad
let's round this one with a non-sequitur

do you know what's the difference between
dead babies and kali's earrings?
there isn't a difference