veles is a dick but it works out in the end so fuck everybody else i guess

wait what?
two myths in the same day?

you bet our fucking ass

today we have a good ole
thunder god vs asshole snake god
type of story
(and not it's not a norse one, nor an egyptian one)

so, the story begins in the slavic pantheon's heaven
golden god hall
and perun
the strong, powerful, hammeraxe-wielding thunder-god
(who also has golden thunder-apples as a weapon)
(i think we lost the purpose of the golden apples long ago so eh)
is marrying dodola
the chick who milks divine cows in heavens
and makes rain

so you know
that rain
up in the clouds?
divine cow milk
provided to you but the slavic pantheon(tm)

so the wedding is going great
everyone is drunk, singing, talking about beating up dudes
and veles is sitting there
being absolutely
PISSED
about either not being the one to bang dodola
or because of the fact that his trickster senses are tingling
about the fact that he could piss people off right now
in this situation
and all the sudden
veles turns into a huge-ass snake
and steals dodola
so the gods are like
what the fuck
meanwhile the snake
(who i mentioned is veles
who is not just the slavic trickster god
but the god of most things
cattle, riches, snakes, music, magic, tits, booze
basically the god of being an asshole and having a good time while you're at it)
so
veles is like
hey dodola
wanna like
make out
and dodola is like
what the fuck you shitprick
and veles is like
cmon i didn't kidnap you for nothing
and dodola is like
listen up here you shitdicking snakefuck
get me
the fuck
back
to my motherfucking
wedding
and veles is like ok
but would ya smell this flower
you know
before you leave
and dodola is like
well
strange snake man
i see that nothing bad could POSSIBLY happen
so ok
and she smells the flower and passes the fuck out
and gives birth to a son
so veles is like
okay
that's weird
but hears perun yelling
about how he'll rip veles' balls off
and chop him up with an axe

so veles grabs the baby and runs the fuck away

and there's an elaborate story of how perun chases veles
and how veles hides in tree-trunks,
under stones
in your mom's vag
etc etc

but that's boring

so perun finally grabs veles by the throat and is like
I'LL CHOP YOUR DICK OFF
and veles is like
how will i bang your wife then?
and perun is like
DID YOU HEAR ME YOU ASSHOLE
and veles is like
yeah i did but did you hear me and your wife
DOIN IT
and perun is just ready to fuck him up like a motherfucker
and in some versions of the myth he actually kills veles
but in some he just hauls veles into heavens
and veles gets a trial
and is cast down into nab
or nav
which is just like
hell, hades, hel or whatever

but the thing is navb is
super duper cool
with jacuzzis and infinite blowjobs or something
and so
veles is the winner in this case
cause he keeps the baby
yarilo
and later gets himself a super hot spring goddess vesna to be his wife
by turning into a lilly
and idk vesna is super turned on by this and decides to marry the guy

so, the point of these 1,2 myths is
if your date says no
flower-roofie her and steal her baby
you'll get

1. a cool realm
2. a cool son
3. a hot wife 

and you'll become arch-nemesis with a thunder god
so you know 3/4
seems good to me