there's a good reason why childless couples are happier

anyways, folks since i have nothing better to do, let’s retell some myths

ya

so, this one is a greek

and since it’s a greek myth there’s gonna be a whole lot of murder, incest and daddy issues

but let’s get to the bottom of that, and start where everything began

so, chaos, fuckin neat- nothing exists

but wait

who the fuck’s there

(besides nyx who is just floating around doing nothing)

oh it’s gaia

so gaia,

she’s giving birth to some things

like uranus (haha, ur-anus)

who also marries her and has super duper monster kids with her

yay, incest

so everything is fucking neat, 
uranus has incestuous monster kids, he hates them, everything is hunky dory

fuck ya

but then gaia gets sick of birthing weird-lookin incest babies 
and the relationship with uranus has lost its original flame, i guess

so she’s done with him

and is like

hey, kids, wanna murder daddy/brother? i’ll pay twenty each if ya do it

and the youngest of the kids, cronos, is like

mom, we hate dad/brother too, there’s no need for the bribe, but i’ll take the money tho

so, cronos sneaks up to his dad while uranus is sleeping, and then cronos is like

GOTCHA BITCH

and slices his balls off, and i guess since all of uranus’ power was in his balls he dies or some shit so cronos is like

i can be the dick of the family now

and he marries his sister rhea, as ya do

and as every marriage goes, they decide to have kids one day

but cronos is like

WAIT

i can’t let my children go against me like i got against dad,

WHATEVER SHOULD I DO NOW

i mean i COULD stop being less of a douche

but nah

imma eat them right up so they dont get the chance of going against me

that sound right

and proceeded with this plan, as every responsible man

rhea was like

honey, you might not want to eat so much children in such a short period, i’ve heard they’re bad for digestion

and cronos, likely mumbled her to shut up between two bites of one of their newborns, probably

but one day rhea got sick of it,

maybe because cronos was getting hooked on babies and was constantly like

come here woman i wanna eat some babies dammit

or she was really sick of how loud he was chewing their children

so she decided to trick her husband

by replacing the child on the plate with a stone wrapped in a diaper

cronos was like

well.

that’s a weird-tasting baby

but didn’t say anything, because he was aware that his wife is not as enthusiastic about his children-eating habits

since rhea was too busy trying to stop her husband from eating more children

she had to hide the baby somewhere

so she gives it to some nymphs

on some island or something

(by the way the baby is zeus)
(this guy)

anyway, so zeus is growing up in a cave,

doing fine, slightly bored

and then he realizes

you know

my dad is a douchebag

and he did eat my brothers and sisters, after all

so you know

i could save them

lol

so one night he sneaks up on cronos and slices his stomach

and pulls his brothers and sisters out

and he’s like

okay, i had this idea

let’s kill dad

and the rest of them are like

yeah, sounds reasonable

so they all join together

and some other monsters join too

and they have a big war and shit

but zeus’ side wins so that’s good

so he says to the siblings that are most relevant

okay fellas,

we are gonna draw toothpicks,

who gets the longest gets the longest one

gets the heavens and earth and the other two can blow me

and so zeus naturally gets olympus and earth

poseidon gets sea and shit

and hades gets whatever the first two left

which is the underworld

which is now also called hades

so everyone wins
(except, like uranus, cronos and the titans but they don't matter anymore so whatever)

and the moral of the story is:

your children are gonna be the ones caring after you when you get old

so don't be a dick to them

cause eating the bastards doesn't help

yeah, that's it