TEN WAYS TO GET ANY GIRL TO LIKE YOU (#9 includes breaking a zulum and decapitation)

so
fellas
before some time i picked up my fourth grade literature book
just cuz
and lemme tell ya
a little story about marko kraljević
kraljević marko

the man
the myth
the ABSOLUTE LEGEND
of serbian epic poems
holy fucking shit

well marko sounds like a pussyass bitch
you say

yeah
i agree
the historical marko was a
pussy
ass
bitch
but the guy in the poems
holy shit
what the fuck

the man rides a horse
šarac
and šarac is this cool horse who
was given to him by this fairy
and can do cool shit like
fly, beat up dudes and has like laser eyes
and shoots beams with them
and has like flaming nostrils 

he's a really cool horse

but let's get to the story

so one day marko is prancing around in the area of good ole kosovo
and he see this hot chick
who never gets a name
except kosovian girl
so anyways
marko is like
hey there lady
why are you so hot and sad
you seem a bit too old to not be
married
which i assume is old serbian slang for
wanna get it on with me
and the chick starts crying about how this dude came nine years ago
and put on a zulum for marriage
so she couldn't get married for fucking years 
and she has to fuck the guy tonight

beacuse of the zulum
which in this case basically means that you gotta pay to the guy who owns the country to get married
but the dicker thing is
that his zulum also includes
having a new chick to sleep with him every now and then
and then giving the chick for his buddies to get their way with
which just shows that the guys dick game is weak as fuck
since he has to buy a whole land
and then be like
okay so
every hot chick has to sleep with me
which just gives another layer to the
oh man, the turkish are weak as fuck
general thing of serbian epic poems 

then marko is like
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAT SHIT
WHERE'S THE GUY
I'M GONNA BEAT HIM UP
AND THEN, HOT SAD KOSOVIAN CHICK,
THE TWO OF US ARE GONNA GET IT ON
WAIT SCRATCH THAT
THEN YOU CAN MARRY SOMEONE
YEAH

so marko is on his way to the tent of the dude
we'll call him dick-aga
and so šarac has his flaming nostrils
his hooves are on fire
and the poem explicitly states about how marko is crying on his way to dick-aga's tent
which i assume is because of all the pussy he'll get afterwards

but the problem to getting to the tent is that it's like
super guarded
because the aga is loaded
and has like forty dudes guarding it
and the tent has like a fucking
YARD OF DECAPITATED HEADS
of semifamous heroes who tried the same thing as marko

so marko's try at breaking the zulum is likely gonna be a major failure, right?

because have heroes like marko tried breaking the zulum?
yes
have they died while trying to do the same thing as marko?
yes
but ARE they marko?
no
and that's the only thing that matters


when marko arrives he's greeted by the aga's forty servants
but they are too scared to do anything so they're just standing
and most of them already pissed their pants
 and marko stands in front of dick-aga's doors
and yells
COME THE FUCK OUT YOU DICKTWITCH
 and the aga is like
sipping wine
that's served to him by this hot-as-balls chick
who's probably partially naked
and has rockin boobs
(this has fuckall to do with the poem but i needed some boobs to get your attention)
and the aga says
hey there
ya came here to buy a marriage?

YOU MOTHERFUCKIN BET I AM 

well for chicks it's thirty
for dudes forty
and you seem like a hero
so why not
A HUNDRED? huh? cmon weird hero man
and then marko is like
sure, asshole
and throws out three dukat at the aga
(dukats are like super old money)
and the aga is like
what the fuck is this bullshit
i'll bash your head in, you smug dick
and then slams marko in the head with the mace like four times
and marko is just chilling there like
do you need some help with that little fella?
cmon i know you can hit me harder
can you?
and the aga is fucking fuming at this point
YOU BET YOUR FUCKIN ASS I AM
and keeps hitting marko with the mace
until marko is like
fella ya need someone to show you how it's done?
and PULLS OUT HIS OWN MACE
AND STRAIGHT UP DECAPITATES THE GUY
and is like
now you know little fella

and then he goes around
decapitates thirty-six of the aga's servants
puts their heards in the yard
and leaves four servants alive
just cause

and after like ten days of doin it with the chick
he rides off into the sunset

and so
what i learned from the story
the only two ways to get pussy are
  1. buying land and making a law which says that every hot chick in the country has to bang you
  2. murder

and that's all i'm getting from here